Monday, July 07, 2008

Living Dead Girl

Posted by Sarah

I hit "off" on the alarm this morning instead of "snooze." Just my luck. No run this morning.

I'm having some issues that I just can't seem to get over. I don't even know really which way to go in order not to be so upset, so I'm just going to spill my guts out here and see if it helps me. I'll probably make somebody angry. Honestly, I don't really know who of my family members reads my blog anyway, but if you do you'll most likely get mad. I. Am. Mad. I am mad at my dad. I am mad at my dad's family and I am mad at the way they make me feel. My dad is having one of his episodes again, which is somehow always timed to when I take a weekend mini-vacation or when I'm actually on vacation (which is happening next week.) He's lonely. He's unhappy. He had no reason to live but for me. He sits at home in our tiny town of 200, in his house, alone, in the dark. He'll probably have to be put back in the stabilization unit this week. I should be my normal Sarah, go to him and listen to him tell me all the ways he's been wronged (some of which is even my fault evidently) but this time I'm just mad. I'm mad that he makes me feel guilty for not living right next door to him. I'm mad that he makes me feel guilty for wanting career advancement and a nest egg before I start a family. I'm mad that he tries to make me feel guilty for having a good marriage with a husband that loves me. I'm mad that he makes me feel guilty for being happy and having the courage to get out there and do things. I'm mad that he has put me in this position when I am 27-years-old and want to focus on my own life for a while and can't because I always have to worry about his mental state.

As I sit here and read what I just wrote I can see just how selfish I am behaving, but it doesn't make me stop being mad. It makes me hate myself even more for seeing the words in black and white rather than floating around in my head. I just can't deal. I know I need to call him today and see if he made it through the night, see how he'd doing, but I'm afraid that if I call him I'm going to just be more angry and I'll start crying. I have to plan my phone conversations out ahead of time because if I don't phrase something just right, he's just over the edge. I'm always so strong and I ALWAYS deal with my dad like a champ. Why can't I do it this time?

I'm just stressed...stressed to the max. My class is stressing me out, my house is stressing me out, my cats are stressing me out, work is stressing me out, money is stressing me out, and my dad is stressing me out. I did not need my dad to factor into all of this right now.

I need my dad to want to get better. I don't honestly think he wants to get better he just wants things back to where they were when I was 10, when he and my mom were still married and Clay and I were still living at home. That isn't going to happen. Mom isn't coming back and Clay and I are trying to make our own lives. Who holds it against their kids for trying to better themselves and make their life?

Ok, well, enough of this. I need to work. Overall, Ry and I had a super time in Branson this weekend. Despite the issues with my dad I tried to put it out of my mind and have a good time. I really did. I wish we could do more things like that more often. Yesterday we had a good day with our friends. It was also very sad. We had lunch and a going away party for our friends, J.P., Wendy, and their son Daniel. It was a fun party but also sad because they are leaving.

TODAY I LOVE: hmmmmm....

4 comments:

Rachel said...

Satan sure knows how to get us doesn't he - I'm praying that you are having a much better day and your dad is too. Hang in there!

tulsasahms said...

Hey sweetie!

You are too hard on yourself. Everything you want for yourself and your family is perfectly acceptable, admirable in fact. No more guilt Sarah. You don't deserve it.

Love you. I'll be praying for you.

Sarah Jo said...

Sarah,
Just lean on Jesus today. And take a bubble bath.

Love you!
Sarah Jo

anastasia said...

people who are depressed and miserable and angry at the world like to make other people feel the same. it's like they want other people to suffer too. i hope you're having a better day. :)