Wednesday, August 06, 2008

He's A Pirate

Posted by Sarah

Well, I can't write about running today because I didn't do any running! There was a thunderstorm at my house early this morning and Jackie and I opted not to run outside. In the end, I don't know if the storm actually made it to our usual running spot (and that's a little aggravating because we didn't run) but what are you to do?

I'm tired of writing about the same old thing. I'm in a rut and I'm falling apart. If I'm not on here griping about my feet or my knees, I'm griping about my eyes or my energy level. I need a revival! It seems the closer I get to my 28th birthday the more I'm falling apart. As a psychology person I realize that this outlook is totally mental. I'm not really falling apart, I'm in fantastic health. It's an attitude issue and I need to deal with it. I have a bad attitude about a lot of things lately and I need to fix it soon. My bad attitude is effecting my personal life and my training life greatly.

Why do I have a bad attitude, you might ask? Let's just see. Maybe this will be therapeutic:

1) My job. I need to do something, fix something, be somewhere else. It is overwhelming and too stressful for multiple reasons. I love my work but can't handle the atmosphere. I have no respect whatsoever. Don't get me wrong, this is not a pride issue, but I'm not a newbie and don't treat me like an idiot.
2) My training. It's not so easy this time around. I need to accept that and put on my big girl britches and run. Suck it up, Sarah.
3) My family. Stress just runs amok. I need to grow up.
4) Money issues. Who isn't feeling the pinch?

How do I solve this? Well...let's try this out too:

1) My job. I need to realize that I cannot control things outside of my personal space and I need to accept the fact everyone is different. I need to keep taking work and taking up the slack from others because eventually it will get noticed by someone. I need to do my job, keep my head down, and work. However, no matter how much am I willing to go above and beyond my job description, they are not paying me to think about work and it's problems while I'm not there. I need to learn that when I hit the back door at night I need to mentally shut off bank-mode. I need to not worry about what others think of me. If I'm doing my job and shining God's light through me, I will be fine no matter what.
2) My training. It's tough. I'm having trouble getting up in the mornings, I'm having trouble getting through the long runs without Lex, and I can't get shoes for my feet. Those are issues, but they are not impossible. I need to have a mental re-committing to running. This will be a challenge for me and I need to accept it head-on and grow as a runner and as an athlete. I can only get stronger through trials!!
3) My family. Only slightly more complicated, but not really. Pray. I just need to pray.
4) Money. Not impossible, but we just need to turn off the money waterfall out of our house and be frugal. We can do it and be better for it. This world might be sucking us dry but we can not be material people and make it through.

I guess the long and the short of it is the fact that I need to depend on God. I just wrote about this last month, I think, and maybe He needed to make me fall again to realize I'm not walking by faith daily. Tonight I have my class at church and I think I really need it today. We'll be discussing our identity. Who are we? I'm a banker. No, that's just my occupation. I'm a runner. No, that's just what I enjoy and do in my free time. I'm an American. No, that's just my nationality. I'm a wife. No, that's just my martial status. Who AM I? If I didn't have any of those things, or lost any of those things, would I lose my identity? Deep down, who am I? When I strip away all my layers and titles, who is Sarah at the core? Have you ever asked yourself that question? Who are you, my friends?

Long post about my issues, but it did help me. We all have troubles and down times and in those times we need to stop, reevaluate, re-group, and move up. I need to get out of my personal-I'm-depressed-bubble and focus on others. My friends. My family.

TODAY I LOVE: having the amazing grace of Jesus and the fact that I'm cutting my hair in an hour.

SONG OF THE DAY: "He's a Pirate" from the Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack


Rachel said...

Way to lay it out there - there's something refreshing about not keeping it in anymore, it's almost like you can finally just let it go because you don't have to hide all those feelings anymore. Hang in there, God's working, it's just not always fun/easy during the process!

JenZen said...

Awww - nice post! It's not easy to just "let go and let God". But sometimes you just have to step back, take breath and let Him handle it for you. He'll help you through.

I hear ya on the training. I'm struggling a bit too and I really think mine is the heat and humidity. I'm just really having a hard time finding a time to run. I'm on a new schedule (6:30 to 4:00) which makes it near impossible to run in the mornings. I'm thinking about running at the gym at lunch. I just need to quit being a baby and run. ;) Hang in there!

anastasia said...

i feel like i'm falling apart of my brothers and i seem to be only people in the family that exercises at all, only i do mainly running. he does both running and lifting. we both have knee problems, but he's the one wearing a knee brace and i don't. i can't run without taking an excedrin first. we're both young too (i'm 30 and he's 25), and we're both falling apart with knee problems. :(

JenZen said...

P.S.: Love the song today! That one's on my running playlist on my ipod. ALWAYS a good motivator. Have a great day girl!

Evan's Mom said...

Love you sweetie. I understand where you're coming from on many of the issues. You're grounded and you're working to overcome all these obstacles. Keep up the good work because despite what you may think, you are doing good work. You're "little light" is shinning. That song is repeating in my head, "I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine..." :-)