Thursday, September 11, 2008

Yes

Posted by Sarah

I'm somewhat at a loss for words lately. I'm going to bare my soul just at tiny bit here- after all, it is my blog. Don't worry, I won't go too far into my psyche, nobody wants that. Not even me! Some things are meant to be kept private but with me, somethings work better if I sort them out in writing.

I'm sure you all are tired of reading about my various ailments and maladies. Heck, I don't blame you. It seems like every time I turn around I'm complaining about some part of my body. I don't think that I'm falling apart, truly I don't. I do promise from this post forward to leave my complaining about my body to a minimum.

Anyway, I'm having some serious internal conflict going on. I think it is all stemming from the fact that I can't/haven't been running. It is frying my brain and depriving my body. I'm getting grumpy. Here is my conflict- I'm so unhappy with myself right now. I hate my body, I hate my wardrobe, I hate my hair, I hate the scars that the heart rate monitor is putting on my body, I hate the heart rate monitor and all it's cords, I hate that my groin still hurts, I hate that I keep passing out. As I told my friend earlier today, the only thing going right for me right now (in my own mind) is my church and my continuing growing love for Christ. See how incongruous that is? How can I love Christ with all my heart and want to know more and detest myself so much? He loves me just the way I am, right now. To detest myself in this way is (in a way) detesting Christ because He is in me. Gosh, how confusing.

I think it is all because I can't run. Those endorphins you get from running are like drugs. I tried running a mile last night. I ended up running half and walking half. It wasn't hurting, per se, but I was afraid. It was sore and stretching. I just don't want to aggravate it further and then totally mess myself up for San Antonio. I know that I just need to get out there and keep taking baby steps to get my mileage back. I have 11 weeks to get in at least one 20-mile run (or something close.) I just don't want to get out of shape. Maybe I'll try a stationary bike.

I also have to get eating healthy again. You all remember a few weeks ago I was documenting my eating. That was going well! Then I hurt my groin, stopped exercising, stopped keeping track, started eating like poo and it all fell off. It is a catch-22 for me. When I don't feel good, when I just overall feel icky about myself- I eat icky. Eating junk makes me feel even more like junk! See what I mean? It's not a complicated thing, I make this drama all myself.

Ah well. It is something I need to get sorted out in my head. I can do this. I just need to get two of the main components of my life back in line- my running and my nutrition. I am a structured girl. My life revolves around plan and guidelines. I have no organization, no resemblance of my life right now. It is embarrassing.

Lastly, to end this on a good note, my doctor called with the results from my stress echocardiogram and they were fine. Yay! It does appear that my problem is just the arrhythmia and hopefully the cardiologist will fix that with medication in October. Good news. And yes, my groin is healing. It really is. I hope I can really run soon.

Sorry to be a Debbie Downer. I hope to have a better attitude the next time I post. :) Maybe it is just a day to be a girl for me.

TODAY I LOVE: my friend who gave me the wonderful gift of a secret recipe

SONG OF THE DAY: "Yes" by Coldplay

CURRENTLY READING: "Burning" by Ellen Hopkins

4 comments:

Willie said...

OK now you sound like a runner! You ARE human, which makes the rest of us feel good but doesn't help you much.

I have this theory that as soon as you find something you really like, something that you feel you NEED in your life, it gets taken away. Not forever, but just long enough for you to realize that this thing has a greater effect on you than you realize and you need to moderate it. I don't believe anything should dominate your life. You need balance and sometimes fate will force you to get it. It's hard but you shouldn't hate this period of trouble, you should learn the lesson life is trying to teach you. Find a balance, find contentment with what you have and what you can do. Running will always be there.

I am the last person who should be preaching this. I struggle daily with balance in my life. I am aware, however, of what I'm being taught. I actually feel somewhat flattered that someone feels I'm worthy of being taught. I see many people who need a lesson in balance but just never seem to get forced into learning it. They appear happy and prosperous but inside they are lost. You should feel lucky to be chosen.

K. S. said...

Hey Sarah!

You are right: this is your blog, so don't apologize for needing an outlet. You're going through a tough time, and that's simply okay. That's what friends and fellow bloggers are here for at times: support.

With that said, I think the longer you continue to tell yourself that __ problem and __ problem are due to the fact that you can't run, the more suffering you are going to cause yourself and your psyche. I go through the same thing sometimes and catch myself being disappointed that I'm no longer a marathon-runner size 4 that I was a year ago. There's an underlying thing here though: and that is being happy with what you're given to work with. It's probably the most difficult thing for a woman especially.

Be strong, Sarah! You've got a great support system from what I gather (between your faith and your husband), so don't forget to utilize it in a time of need!

Hugs,
Kristin

jmgw said...

I love and adore you!!! That is why you are in the secret club!!!

By the way...just because you aren't running doesn't mean your body is turning to junk...you look fabulous and you will be able to run again really soon!!! I am always here if you need to talk!!!

Love,
Misty

Rachel said...

A day late but that's ok - you are right this is your blog and you definitely don't need to apologize for sharing life with us, that's what blogging is all about. Glad to hear things came back ok on the stress test and that, while it's not fun to take, medicine will help. Still praying for you!